................
not finding roots and wanting them, but not knowing if they really exist.
Because how do you know if you never knew and it was all just a dream or a
fantasy or something you read in a book or saw on tv or in the movies up on the
big screen? You're supposed to identify and be the girl, the dame, the
bombshell and then what? Then you're stuck with that and it is a lonely place.
Because you want to connect and you want to be loved like the bombshell, but
you think too much.
Then you wonder to yourself, if that bombshell even ever gets love or has roots
or if she's just a prop. She's told what to do and put in her place and never
valued for too long because she's just wallpaper, she's just a prop, she's just
entertainment.
Even she doesn't know what roots are because she's fighting the longing and the
disappointment of never being something, never being real, never being valid or
taken seriously. Never seriously special in that fall through the floor,
hand-in-hand, don't ever let go of me and I got you too and we're together
against the world kind of way. The one time she found it and the one time she
let go and the one time she tried, no every time she tried, it was a tsunami of
confusion and disappointment.
She's still on the big screen and she's still beautiful and that is what she
has and that is really nothing, but she'll keep on going and trying in her
little comfort box and let them define it, let them make her and mold her and
be entertained by her.
She's still got the box when she goes home, she's still got the box and maybe
it is filled with the answers and they are small answers to larger problems and
temporary love and temporary relief. She holds on to the box because it worked
for someone else didn't it? It is all just a fantasy but she keeps hoping and
tries not to pray too much for fear of disappointment, but there's only one
thing she can count on being consistent.
It can't be held inside that box, but she still holds onto it and she slowly
walks to the parlor and gets dressed and puts on her face just to face another
day up on the big screen.....
