This is an homage

This is an homage to someone I'll never see again.
Someone who changed my life. Someone who left me as easily as we found one another.
This is an homage to someone who might never know how I cried for a good 30 minutes yesterday on the side of a road. I parked in front of a white picket fence with ivy painted on the front in some attempt to make it more welcoming.

This is all I could think of through my tears on the side of that road. I was all alone with my delayed reactions to how we said goodbye forever. How obvious it was. That picket fence keeping me outside of everything I have always wanted. Those crudely painted green leaves did not fool me.

It kept playing over in my mind. How I asked for a hug as I stumbled over the word with my feeble attempt to avoid the tears. I knew they were coming up from deep inside, from the crevices of my soul. It took two years to fold myself inside out before suddenly realizing I was exposed to these elements.

This is an homage to someone.
Who gave me strength.
Who told me something no one ever says to me.

"I'm proud of you."

I miss you already, but I must gather my Queen and reign on my own now.
Goodbye.

falling in

I should cherish it, they say
if only that it was a possibility
that went astray, yes
but that it existed at all
to show me where I can go
where I will go
when it is right
so they say

and I remind myself this as I lay down at night
and I drift off with my hands clasped
together
hoping
sending out an S.O.S.
my pillow soaks and sees-thru me
the words not taking hold of my brain
even when they are repeated every night since then

since when
I
knew
I was
falling

in ....


and
the saddest part is
my heart hasn't yet figured out
that you
aren't here.

cherish the day

You're ruling the way that I move
And I breathe your air
You only can rescue me
This is my prayer

If you were mine
If you were mine
I wouldn't want to go to heaven

I cherish the day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
You won't catch me running
You're ruling the way that I move
You take my air

You show me how deep love can be

(sade)

3am and no one

Felt my feet movin toward the pathway
there was a moment I knew the possibility
I could just turn around and go back
go to sleep
try to dream
but the footsteps kept going and my mind
would catch up by the time I realized
I was driving down the barren streets
of
3am
last
night

and

it was fun
free
abandoned
no one
was
there

just me and my car and my music and
just me

and my thoughts of you

mixing with the comfort
the crunchy confinement
the place I know the best
that itchy coat of quiet
as the car moves forward
but my will stands still
my eyes searching
for what
for naught
for something
for a sign

I turned right
I went straight
I went fast
I put the windows down
I felt like the only one left

as I circled back
finding my way home
I wished this would never end
things would be so much easier
this
way

always
3am
and
no one

direct

..............

..my scream is so loud inside me

it has fallen in on itself

like I'm in a vacuum

Walking against time down the hall

as it stretches out, gets longer and wider

I grab onto the walls and try to inch my way



onward



the absence of audio screams in my ears

the pressure beats on my skull, trying to get in

I have become the stars

my own solar system

shooting small pieces of me into the darkness



me and my sadness

we sit on the balcony

looking at the rest of the stars up there

disconnected

utterly alone



I want to go home
..
..