Ahoy

Tonight I had chips ahoy for dinner.
Mostly because I'm depressed about you.
Ahoy matey.

Who created this name for a cookie? Why are they even called this? It is like a message that is actually a warning you will soon set sail to an island of self-hatred as you shuffle the bag off to your trashcan to rid yourself of the visual evidence.
That's how my night has gone. Charming, isn't it?

I'm sinking into my memory bed and it reminds me of yours. The memory foam is creating memories I don't want to have in my head right now.
I thought I was okay before The Pretender resurfaced, went postal and got everyone to dredge up drama last weekend. Funny thing is you somehow aligned yourself unknowingly and deleted me from your life. Just when I needed you most, poof. I got mad when I read the
n o t e w o r t h y w o r d s.

I didn't like my reaction. It wasn't calm or fair. I downshifted into reactionary lashing out. It isn't nice to realize that part of me I learned from The Pretender resurfaced. I thought the battle was won there, but apparently not yet. I'm sorry it got slippery late last Friday night. I reacted and you did likewise.

What's funny about that? I start the sentence off with "funny thing is...." when it is the farthest thing from hilarity. I suppose the headache is helping me write and throw up this facade of anger right now. The core of it is really that I sobbed in the fetal position for a good hour before dozing off while my body fought off a legitimate fever. I'm hot and shaky and I have the shivers. I kept blinking and trying to figure out if anyone would miraculously come through the door to save me. Not rescue, but just maybe hold me and pat my back or my head like you did a couple times and it made me feel okay. I turned on my favorite new show In Treatment and the therapist asked his patient, "Do you have a place where you feel calm Sofie?"
I thought long and hard about that question, but I didn't want to face the answer.

So instead I got the Chips Ahoy. Gross.
I'd rather tell the answer and undo the disgusting cookie indiscretion.

I haven't felt calm in a million years. The Pretender eradicated my ability to know what calm is.
Until you, there was no relaxation. Funny thing is....there it is again....the dichotomy of complete edginess and complete calm. It kind of feels like a drug. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time facing you deleting, blocking, erasing, rejecting and eradicating my existence.
I miss the calm.

I thought about you through my tears and my undeniably ludicrous fantasies of a savior coming home to just give me some affection tonight. I needed some arms around me or just a hand hold, just a quiet touch. You never even bothered to come here. You never cared enough to visit my world or know anything about me. On more than a couple of occasions, I put on music and cleaned the house with the best of intentions and an anticipatory smile. There was always a reason you didn't show up. Sometimes, there was no explanation at all and we both acted like it never happened.

So how could I have possibly felt any calm? We didn't even know each other.
I wanted to.
Oh boy did I want to.
Oh Chips Ahoy did I want to.

But you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me love you. I still did a good job of it all by myself with hardly much to go on.

When you threw the keys down to me, they always landed in the dirt. I'd dust them off and take care to be gentle because they belonged to you and that meant something to me. I felt an odd calm there at your place. I romanticized that balcony, the sofa, your hands and the affection.
Oh, I miss it now...just thinking about it all.

But not the part where you called me creepy. I should have never looked back after that word. It makes me incredibly sad to think back on an insult like that. I was scared. I was feeling something. I was nervous. I wanted to let go and really let you see me, but I was worried about being hurt again. I was so vulnerable and these were all things that probably went through your head too, but you shamed me and called it "creepy" and "messy."

From the beginning, I couldn't get you off of my mind. I'm not doing a very good job of changing that right now either. Maybe it was all a joke anyway because the damn social networking portals and bullshit were a facade for relationship fakery anyway. Oh, I forgot, we didn't have a relationship, my apologies. Then why did I feel closer to you than anyone in over 5 years, maybe longer? Did you see it in my eyes and just urge me down the path while playing me like a brand new toy? Was it fun? Is this what you do with a multitude of them floating around your virtual ego and then picking and choosing who gets the next movie night invite? Do you go through the same routine each time or do you switch it up based on the specifics of the current "female company?"

I must be delusional or just unflinchingly hopeful. I'm not sure which is worse! I truly wanted to believe that I was somehow special to you.
I wanted to believe in your w o r d s.
Because I really believed in y o u.

I think that's why I reacted so abruptly and aggressively leaving the comment for you. It was Friday night and I could easily see another lonely weekend ahead of me. How quickly you erased the truth and erased me without even honoring our "friendship" or whatever you would allow me to title it.

You're probably laughing now at this assessment because to you, it was nothing right? I'm telling myself this perhaps because the alternative is more painful. If there was even a smidgen of something similar that you cared about, if any of your words to me were the truth and from your heart...

...then why couldn't we be real friends?
The kind that can get in the trenches and throw some hard clods at one another?
Why couldn't we weather the storm and break each other down and reveal the rawness and still be able to love all the faults and scars and ugliness? To me, you were beautiful like that. I already saw it all over you. I didn't care about your incessant, egomaniacal needs. That bullshit armor might work on most, but I knew what was underneath. I just wish you didn't have to look for a way to write me off. You were looking for it. I knew it. Couldn't you have been honest? What would have been the harm in that?

Now I'm missing a friend.
Again.
Or a non-friend- a creepy, messy non-friend.
Whatever you are or were or weren't, I'm missing you madly.
Fuck it. I miss the sex. I wish I could bypass all this bullshit and be in your bed again.
On your face. Doing that thing with your thing and then the other thing after the first thing that you did and wrapping my arm around and then some. Fuck that too, I really just want to look at your face. No fuck that, I want to look at your eyes and laugh with you. I want to play silly games and lay there and stare at each other and laugh all night. And listen to your voice and touch your skin and laugh and laugh and hug you and the laughter. Oh shit. I miss your hands.
Why is the laughter always so dangerously close to the tears?
Oh shit...now I have to go away, this is too painful.
Goodbye my lovely lost almost-something.