knit and purl
................
My spinning yarn unable to hold the knots
Necessary to complete the row.
My skin craved a cloak, not knowing it was already coated
Saturated and dripping through the pores from the toxins
Deep underneath implanted and growing roots
and sprouting up through the flesh and circumstances
The carotid innocence and cast away hopes
Under the guise of sparkling eyes and faith
What everyone tells you will surely come....someday.
The endless years of freezing and hiding underneath
The soil was dry with no room to move
My ankles cemented by the wispy tendrils holding me down
Head above the murk, I could still dream through clouds
Of despair and supreme solitary - borne of anger
Mostly toward my scars and the ability to keep cutting them open
How I tripped into your lap I am curious to know
The chasm of want I thought to be carefully disguised
Blew wide open and skinned me alive
My aching and wanting rattled through my bones
Shocking me back into possibilities
One light stroke of my hair sent off billions of dormant mines
Still I stood like a soldier, waiting for it to come, bracing
Blasts from up above, or perhaps down below this time?
My heart hoping for peace and final calm
A white flag coming to comfort me and birth
Passions or resurrect lost hopes and dare I say
love.
Only when I was enthralled, even hypnotized by that mirage
They came.
First one, then more.
Into the storm of bullets I still didn't want to believe
I had nearly talked myself out of expecting them
They taunted me and proclaimed their falsehoods
While tricking me into enough doubt, just enough to keep me waiting
So they arrive with special gifts
Just like my fear told me they would
Wrapped in a facade so beautiful
So glimmering, shiny and bright
The textile I had unknowingly crafted in the interim
Took shape and just when I realized
How warm
How soft
How smooth and promising
How comfortable it was
The bullets tore through it
Each knit blowing wide apart
My fingers reaching out aimlessly to grab it, protect it
but
One purl loosened enough to
Unravel all of it in a second
So fast even faster than it was built
My blood pouring through my chest and down
Into the feet sinking back to the bitter dryness
The ugly dank soil and the slimy roots
Wrapping their way higher this time
All the way to my knees
Pulling me back
Crushing my determination
To find some light again
While my dreaming eyes looked skyward
Triumphantly
Demanding to gaze through blinding waters
Simply trying to focus on what was once there
Even if it never was.
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